© 2017 PROJECT FAE . ORG

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Hello, I'm Faelyn

female. married. green party. pagan. closet hippie. retail management. cancer. family oriented. mother of three kitties. web designer. college graduate. geocacher. 

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Look into my eyes, it's where my demons hide

January 31, 2017

I apologize ahead of time... this is a mix of spiritual/political/mundane ramblings of things I feel tumbling through my brain right now....
 

Is it wrong to want to be closeted again? I am frustrated, and saddened by what is going on in my country right now. Sad because of the people it has affected, and frustrated because I don't know what to do. Sure, I can call my senator, I can protest, I can write blog posts, I can tweet, post, share, like, love... and on and on and on... but will it make a difference? 

I understand how privileged I am to have grown up surrounded by love, without the worry of where my next meal might come from, without the worry of what might happen to my family and friends around me. I grew up worried about being a grown up. I grew up wondering how I was ever going to support myself, how I was going to be someone worth being an adult. And now I sit here, a quantified adult, adult-ing, and doing much more than just "surviving". I am doing quite well for myself - and my family. 

I want to share my feelings out loud without fear of what "family" might think. I am "out" as a pagan, as well as my political leanings - at least I thought I was. So why do I still fear what other people think about me? Why do I wonder if my spiritual and political leanings will reach the ears of my work, or in-laws? Why should it matter? I think I am a good person. I think my actions show that... so what should it matter what I belief, or who I voted for? 

Part of me knows that my own worst critic is myself... But I can't help feel like I have to silence my voice to avoid offending someone else. I also think I am mostly silent because I also don't want to be wrong... I don't want to enter into a group who I feel I share the same beliefs with only to find they don't think I am worthy... 

Sure, I go by Faelyn in quite a few settings: with my pagan family and friends... and even my Geocaching friends call me "Fae" because of my Geocaching Handle... that name is a part of me. It's who I am. But she is also my security blanket, my mask, my own personal shield. When I am "Faelyn/Fae" I am strong, and unafraid. When I am District Manager April, I am strong, too. But for a completely different reason... so why am I afraid to let the two mix?


Really resonating with this song right now... Fighting my own demons...

 

 

 

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